This is a long story about my Mom, I adjust it from time to time and I never published it before. I will keep on changing things, since most of my feelings here I blocked. By writing it down they emerge again from my memory.
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It was a sunny afternoon somewhere in May, there was a barbecue, some beer, friends and family. But somehow it felt wrong, the meat tasted strange and the beer was bad.
The friends and family where laughing and I had a fake smile to join them.
My girlfriend asked what was wrong, and I replied with a calm; Nothing.
“Really? Nothing?”
“Nope, just nothing.”
You should have another beer she said, that will cheer you up.
Remembering that I still had to drive, I called my Mom to tell her I would sleep at my Girlfriends place.
My Mom at the time was ill, and laying in bed. The doctors told her it was an allergic reaction to some kind of tree, while a younger doctor suspected heart issues as did I.
My Mom and I have been fighting and arguing the past days and I was afraid of calling.
Ring! Ring!
<Nobody picked up>
Ring! Ring!
<Nobody picked up>
Ring! Ring!
“Hello!!!”
My heartbeat raised a bit, was she still angry?
“Hi, its me…” I said a bit shaky.
“Hi sweetie, how are you doing?”
The next part of the conversation was cheerful, she fully agreed with everything and it felt like she was all better! It cheered me up.
We hang up, and I thought by myself: “Maybe I’ve should said I was sorry about fighting”.
Well, back to the party! And off to bed….
08u00 in the morning, the phone rang…
Ring! Ring!
<Wakes up>
Ring! Ring!
“FFS who is calling me now!”
<Girlfriend wakes up>
Ring! Ring!
“Yea hello!?”
“Hej <crying tone> it’s me, your sis. You need to come home now, mom is very ill! Hurry up”
The adrenaline rushed through my body, I yelled at my Girlfriend, “Hurry on, leave everything behind we have to go NOW!!!”
I ran downstairs, waking everyone up.
Didn’t even say sorry or good morning.
I arrived at the car, no sign of my girlfriend, so I yelled from the car; “Hurry up!!!”
Finally the slowpoke arrived. I started the car and drove off with spinning wheels.
I drove fast, way to fast.
I was in a hurry and I didn’t know why.
I am a calm boy, I never panic, I never do anything crazy without thinking first.
I never would put anyone into danger, but now I did.
I was aware I was doing it, but I didn’t know why.
My Girlfriend knew something was wrong, she never seen me like this and shouted at me, asking me why I was driving like a maniac!?
I did not respond, focusing on 1 goal. Going home as fast as I could.
20 Minutes later I arrived at home, I saw our doctors car. I saw 2 ambulances.
I parked, I ran inside.
Ran directly to my mom even though I didn’t know where she was.
And I saw her, with 2 paramedics laying on the floor.
She was dead…
I took a step back, and I fell.
I fell into a deep black hole.
A never ending deep black hole.
I never felt so empty, I never felt so disturbingly calm.
My girlfriend was crying.
My dad was yelling to me: “What do I have to do now? I don’t know how to go on now!”
My 12y old sister was in panic…
My girlfriend asked: “What now? What now?”
Everybody around me was in panic and was asking me for help.
I was still in the zone, falling down the hole.
And suddenly it hit me. I have to act!
I grabbed the border of the hole and pulled myself out.
There I stood, calm and confident. Knowing what I had to do.
Knowing that I had to make arrangements, take care of everyone.
Because there was nobody that was going to do it for me.
I talked to the paramedics, and started to arrange pickup.
I called my aunt, my grandmother and my brother.
Then I called my school, telling I wasn’t going to be around for a few days.
I called other relatives, and I called our personnel working in our business.
I called classmates to tell them I wasn’t going to work on the project for a few days.
And this all in a calm voice, comforting everyone with bad news.
After that I told my dad to sit down and stay down as he was still in panic.
I told him I would take care of the business and I would work the next day for him.
I asked my girlfriend to take a walk with my sister. And I called my mother in law to bring us some food.
I started collecting names, and numbers of people.
I started to Photoshop a card that could be send out.
I made decisions about the funeral and guided my dad into making his.
I went to bed without crying, and woke up the next day to work.
Hundreds and hundreds of customers came.
Of course they bought something, but they weren’t there to buy something.
They were there to asked what happened. Curious people asking me the same question over and over again. Giving me condolences after my story. The story I had to tell without tears and without feelings. After 3 hours some of our personnel came in and took over.
Those were the longest 3 hours of my life.
After that I could only think of 1 thing, arranging and arranging.
Choosing flowers, choosing people.
Choosing a coffin and poetry.
A few days later it was the funeral, it was a good day and quite calm.
It was closing time for a hectic period but knowing that opened another gate.
It was time to live again, it was time to process everything.
It was time to cry.
Yet those last 2 I’ve still forgotten to do, and I’m positive waterfalls will come one day or another. For now I’m still thinking once and a while I’ve should have said sorry, but that is to late now, and I forgive myself for that, because I know she would have forgiven me as well. Untill today I’m still watching over everyone and I’m often doing to much for people.
I guess the whole experience changed me. In a positive way I’m sure of that!
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This story happened 6 years ago, and until this day I still forgotten to process it all. But maybe this blog helps!
I cry from time to time, and I have a new girlfriend who supports me better and tries to understand me. (If you ever find this blog sweetie, thank you!!!)
What frightens me the most is knowing I will break down once.
I want to have kids, knowing my mom won’t be there.
I want to marry, knowing my mom won’t be there.
I know my girlfriend has questions for her, knowing she can’t answer.
She asked from time to time, where I got certain characteristics from since she doesn’t she them in my dad.
And I can’t answer…
I hope I process it all before it eats me.
I have a simple life. 